This is what I thought as I was laying half under my Sequoia in my garage last night. I was getting out of the car, and there I went. Straight on under. My kids were all strapped in the car while I lay on the floor crying. My life, my house, my kids, all a mess. This has totally paralyzed me the last 4 and a half months. I can’t get anything accomplished, because I have allowed myself to get so far into a hole that I am having so much trouble getting out. After I picked myself off the garage floor and brought the kids inside I sat on my couch and cried. I feel sorry for myself. I can’t help it, I do. I know other people have it way rougher than we do and I should be counting my blessings, but I spend a lot of time in this dark place of self pity. I am a full time mom of 3 kids under four, a full time wife, a full time employee in a high stress position, we watched two parents fight hard and lose their battle, we watched two parents die and then we lost two parents and a dog all within 15 months of each other. We deal with our grief and our family’s grief on a daily basis. All while trying to put on a happy face and keep on going for our kids. Chris and I take turns going to the deep depths of despair. The nights where living life doesn’t seem possible to the nights where we laugh so hard at our kids and only wish our parents could be a part of it. The range of emotions is exhausting. Then we try to add a social life into all of this, and it puts me over the edge.
I don’t always want to always be the sad one and constantly airing out my dirty laundry. Because no one needs to know all those details, but if you do, give me some wine and I’ll tell you anything you want to know. Therefore, my blog has suffered. I have tried and tried and tried to come back, and nothing seems all that important to write about. Because of this, I have lost precious details of my kids lives that I can’t even begin to remember. I like journaling through my blog, I like keeping records of when things happen. Poor Patrick has no record of his life other than a few sad entries about cancer. F Cancer. I am not giving cancer any more of my time because cancer can get cancer and die for all I care. My dad LOVED my blog and was so proud of my initial readers. I know, I lost a LOT when I started getting depressing. But I am ready to come back, I think. I promise I will STOP feeling sorry for myself, I have 3 healthy kids (fine their noses haven’t stopped running for 3 years) and a husband that understands my crazy range of emotions (because he has them too). Our kids are at such great ages and make it worth getting out of bed! Ellie is 3 going on 17, John is obsessed with trains and potty training, and Patrick is trying to start walking. I have to remember every single moment with them. Life is entirely too short for me to wallow in my own misery. Oh and did I mention after being pregnant for 4 years straight, I have jumped full steam into working out again. Adios Dan and Roseann and hello early college Chris and Megan.
We have a LOT going on. I will catch you up quickly over the next few posts (be patient with me). My sister got engaged ( I will be matron of honor extraordinaire, Ellie will be a flower girl-zilla), John is potty training, Chris is a running machine (due to the Nike Running App and a friendly competition with Katie), and Patrick is a diva with a good head of hair.
Quick bullet point of where the kids are today and will follow up with a ton of pics. Hey, I may even start linking this up to Facebook to try and gain a few followers.
Ellie:
· Will be 4 in August
· Has asked for lipstick and a hair salon
· About to transition from the Turtle Class to the Honeybee Class
· Has tantrums on a daily basis “mom, life is hard”. Any suggestions on this one? She is so strong willed and I am constantly losing any and all battles. She is totally the boss. Is 4 better? Please say yes, if no, don’t answer.
· LOVES to color. She refers to herself as the “artiste”. Markers, crayons, colored pencils, chalk, paint, anything. The amount of artwork she brings home from school on a daily basis overwhelms me.
· LOVES to dance and shake her booty, but does not like organized dance. She is a free spirit. She prefers her birthday suit over any tutu. We have decided to take a year off of dance to see if distance makes the heart grow fonder. I am assuming it won’t.
· Loves swimming and this summer has gotten so good. She spends the majority of her time under water at The Lodge. We are so proud of the strides she has made in swimming since first starting lessons at age 2! Since I am basically an Olympic swimmer, I can only imagine this is how Chris will feel when the boys start skating. Can’t wait for swim team!
· Loves her brothers, or “The Brothers”. Ellie and Patrick are BFF+E. Patrick things Ellie is hi-larious. Ellie loves that he thinks this.
· Loves a good production. Singing, acting, dancing, Ellie will perform at the drop of a hat. I can’t wait until her and Ryan are staring center stage as Muny Kids in a few years.
· When she is not mid tantrum, is the sweetest and funniest girl I know. She loves a good slumber party in my bed to watch “bride shows” and has a ton of suggestions for Cece’s wedding. Most of them involve her, and most involve her throwing rose petals down the aisle. Not sure if Cece will be in the same boat, but I bet Ellie will win.
John:
· Turned 2 in March, on Easter, 2 weeks after my dad died. It’s a good thing we even remembered his birthday. Three will be a blowout, I promise buddy!
· Is creepily obsessed with trains or “chooooo choooos” in a real deep voice.
· Goes to the Zoo or Transportation Museum every Wednesday to take a spin on the train
· Started potty training 2 weeks ago. He all of a sudden was interested in “Aaahmas” (Thomas) underwear and decided to take it for a spin. He is doing really well so far. Lots of accidents, but he’s happy, so whatever.
· Kills me with his everyday speech. Our ped mentioned speech therapy at some point, but part of me really likes the things he says. I know it won’t be cute at let’s say 8, but at 2, it is pretty entertaining. ·
My faves:
o Aahmas- Thomas
o Owls- Waffles
o Sha-min- Medicine
o Eddie- Ellie
o Sadrick- Patrick
o Shull- Michelle or Full House
· Is terrible at coloring and eats most markers.
· LOVES: Full house, any / all books about trucks or trains, waffles, juice, brushing his teeth, underwear, vitamins.
· Hates sleeping. John has always been a bad sleeper. Didn’t sleep through the night until 9 months and then slept in my bed for 3 months. He now wakes up on average 3 nights a week screaming. We are self diagnosing night terrors. Any experience with these? Chris called me yesterday at work “do you know these things can last YEARS?? We are never sleeping again”. · The sweetest momma’s boy we know!
Patrick
· Paddy, PDidds, Pdiddy, Diddy, Diddy Do, Bear, Dids, P.
· 1 in TWO weeks!
· Loves to crawl. Which is A-Okay with me. He doesn’t appear to have any interest in walking or steps. My favorite kind of kid.
· 6 teeth- 4 up top, 2 on bottom.
· Chews on everything. Eats everything. I was changing his diaper a couple of weeks ago and found a red sequin from one of Ellie’s art projects. I guess he ate her homework!
· Loves to eat. A Lot.
· Loves sippy cups. But makes thee biggest freaking mess with them.
· Likes to talk. A Lot. I really think he is Ellie in a boy’s body. Neither ever stops talking and both are pretty calm for the most part, but piss them off and they both royally freak.
· LOVES me. A lot. Chris calls him “the little one” and I think he totally picks up on it.
· Loves the bath tub.
· Loves the pool and likes to attempt to swim. While keeping an Eagle eye on him at the pool last week I blinked or scratched my eye and looked down and he was gone. I freaked. I looked out and he was crawling into the deep end, only he couldn’t touch, and his crawl was really a float. Good thing our cracker jack high school lifeguards were busy swinging their whistle to notice so I dove head first in, scooped him up, held him over my head Simba style and saved the day. It doesn’t matter that my top was partially down and the entire pool stopped and stared at me. P was saved. He laughed at me.
· Has had 2 haircuts.
· P I promise to document your milestones better. No tooth will go uncut without me making a note of it (lie), no hair will go uncut with me keeping it in an envelope (another lie), and your first steps will be videoed and put on every social media site the world offers (ugh, I doubt it). But I promise to try harder!
So, expect big things from me. Huge! I want to give a special shout out to my friends for sticking by me when I am such a grump. Helping me with to do lists, buying presents, finding sitters, bringing dinners, giving gift cards, and just basically still being my friend after this two year long slump. I owe you all a patio night.
-m-
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